The Strange Rules of Humanity

The Strange Rules of Humanity

Let’s be real: people kind of suck. I’m one of them. I don’t always handle things gracefully—I can be super argumentative, and my ADHD ensures I don’t realize the impact of my choices until I spend two weeks obsessing over my less-than-stellar decisions. So, here’s where I’m going with this: I like being alone. Why? Because that's how America was built—putting people in boxes, where you're either elite or you’re not. Me? I’m not aiming for the elite. I’m aiming for Doritos, Gummy Nerds, and hours of Disney Dreamlight without interruptions, except for bathroom breaks, of course.

I don’t have to put on a show when I'm alone. I don’t have to smile. And, let's face it, "smile more" is the worst advice—especially when it’s coming from someone who wasn’t even on my mind. Why is it socially acceptable to demand a smile from strangers? That's why I stick to isolation. I’m saving everyone from my very honest “mind your business” response.

The thing is, America loves the idea of the “self-made” person. But let’s be clear: we’re united in name only. The whole "do-it-alone" mentality is pushed on everyone—unless you’re a mom. Mothers? They're expected to be forever surrounded, managing everything solo, yet never truly alone. Talk about confusing rules.

And then there's the paradox of helping kids sell overpriced holiday chocolate while simultaneously shaming folks who need support just to get by. News flash: Starbucks is not why people miss rent payments, so let's drop that cliché, shall we?

Here's a hard truth: America doesn’t think poor people deserve happiness. There, I said it. If you don’t have that elusive “American life,” society side-eyes you. You’re supposed to have a car by 16, even if driving lessons, licenses, insurance, and gas prices aren’t realistic. But if you don’t have a car, prepare for the judgment. People will demand to know why, as if you owe them a detailed financial analysis. The truth? Public transportation works, insurance costs are absurd, and gas prices are laughable—well, if laughing weren’t so expensive.

Speaking of judgment, let’s not forget the unsolicited food critiques. Mention you had Taco Bell, and someone will eagerly chime in about the questionable meat sources, lettuce abuse, and cheese from nameless cows. They won’t have any pamphlet to back it up, just a vague memory of an article a friend of a friend might’ve read three years ago. But here they are, offering reasons why your meal is terrible. The irony? You know the cheese is fake and probably has a hint of turtle wax, but it’s also all you can afford until payday—three days away. Right now, though, you’re hungry, and that’s what matters.

Then there’s workplace weirdness. Why do people treat their jobs like a popularity contest? Look, I’m not getting paid to be the “most likable employee.” And I refuse to go to work parties. Unless I’m getting paid for those, they’re still work—just with worse snacks.

The taboo of salary talk is another odd one. People will discuss their side hustle earnings in detail, but mentioning your actual salary? Gasp! Unless you signed a non-disclosure, why not be honest? If you’re in trouble for sharing your Subway salary, the issue probably isn't you. It’s more likely that the pay isn’t fair across the board.

Here’s the thing: for society to function, people have to participate. We need to eat out so that cooks and waitstaff get paid. We need to send kids to school so that janitors, lunch staff, and yard workers have jobs. We need to go see movies with strangers so the theater staff can keep theirs. Sure, grocery shopping is easier online, but if we want brick-and-mortar stores to survive, we have to show up in person. The problem? It’s loud, the lighting is awful, and there are too many conversations. I don’t want to chat with the cashier, and chances are, they don’t want to chat with me either. I certainly don’t want to overhear a weird, outdated rant from some homophobic guy in the women’s underwear aisle while his embarrassed wife tries to hush him.

I am not one of those people who thrives in this chaos. Let’s make a deal: those who don’t want to “people” shouldn’t have to, and those who do can go right ahead—no judgment either way. Deal? Deal.